Arthur: A Serialized Novel

Jun 03

Okay Readers, Here’s What’s Up: Q&A, Explanations, About Writing

I’ve been getting a lot of questions. So, this is a mix of answering question as well as discussing the future of Arthur: A Serialized Novel (from here on out called AASN). Also, herein lies an explanation of the magic system of AASN. ALSO AN EXPLANATION OF MORIARTY HOLMES: WHY AND WHAT.

Things marked explanation are me explaining things. Things marked question/answer are my answers to actual questions you have asked.

Question: Why haven’t you edited that work I sent you?

Answer: The computer on which I did my editing was…yeah. Killed dramatically? I have to redo all that stuff, and I’m getting to it.

Question: What the [flip] is [AASN]?

Answer: This site, aside from my periodic rambling pieces, which are always deleted to leave only canonical work for AASN, is a special kind of Novel. It is released here on this website in readable parts. 

Question (roughly approximated): Why do you write AASN?

Answer: I started writing AASN to practice writing. I am a goal-setter when I work, and to create an environment where this would be viable, so I started AASN. (I’m the kind of guy who says like, “Okay, today I will write 1000 words” and, after I finish, put like a checkmark next to the goal.) So, I needed something that would, as I became a better and better writer, allow me to evolve it in any direction I wanted to. Not in terms of plot, you understand, that is already laid out for the most part.  For example, when I started AASN I viewed my ability to create unique character voices as poor and thus working from first person viewpoints of lots of different characters was what I needed. (That’s how I improve by the way, target a weakness and figure out how to systematically practice it, and then do so.) So, the way AASN is written, at least originally, was for me. I never expected this large an audience. Now, on that point - and back to the whole goal-setter thing - I needed an environment that would 1) make the improvement in my work measurable and 2) keep me obligated to keep going. I expected a few friends to read this and that I would keep going so I wouldn’t seem like an impulsive ditz. Using Google Analytics I can measure the traffic on my tumblr, and by rarely reblogging I can assume that any change in the amount of traffic to my website (longer than one minute) comes from changes in the quality of my work. As many of you know, I prioritize the enjoyability of reading a piece over its functional value, and this method makes it so that if I don’t put out good stuff, I don’t see traffic-based improvement. Also there are the likes, but I really don’t know how to use those as valid measures. Today, AASN is a living work, and as a result of its popularity (and thus positive feedback from my traffic measures as well as a moral obligation to keep this going for you guys) I’ve had to change a few things. For example, I had to stop for a month so I could get ahead on the whole thing and actually organize releases. If it were 15 of my friends reading this, I’d be okay working when I could to make high-quality posts and posting stuff whenever. However, now you guys are an audience and I have to change how that works. That means that stuff is prepared way in advance and released on a regular time table. So, that, ladies and gentleman, is the meat of why AASN is.

Question: How many people actually read AASN? You keep talking to ‘readers’ and [fecal materials], but who the hell are they?

Answer: In terms of follower count, I’ve stopped writing count announcements, so that may be why you’re having trouble. I don’t want to give definite numbers any more because it would skew my feedback from traffic. Internet Fact: More Viewers Gets You More Viewers. If I say something like “I have X” many followers or “I get X unique visits a day according to Google Analytics” three things are going to happen. First, a lot of people will think “oh, this must be good if so many people read it.” Simultaneously, second, people will say “What a D-Bag announcing how many people he has reading, is he really that insecure?” And it’s not that I care what other people think, it’s just that to stay true to this project and keep my improvement measurable (getting visits and follows primarily for high quality work and good content), it’s not in my best interest to say something like that. And finally, third, people will have negative feelings as a result. Look at it this way, a lot of Tumblr, and let’s be honest, is an ocean of really unhappy people looking for a way out of whatever their lives are doing. Let’s say for one second that many people you know think that the longer your hair is the better you are as a human being. How are you going to feel if your friend Ecrid, with his enormous, puffy, long hair walks up to you, when you already know he’s got that great mop, and starts telling you how long the strands are and how much they grow each night? Life isn’t a pissing contest, and if you treat it like one you’ll just piss people off. I have no desire to unnecessarily diminish people (and that’s natural, not presumptive on my part, that’s why we have words in english like jealousy or greed or resentment - because that stuff’s common.) So, to answer this question, lots of people read this blog, and, more importantly, it would still be here if they didn’t - though perhaps not as motivated.

Question: I just realized that all the events that have taken place so far have occured in less than 36 hours [except the past pieces]. What kind of a story is AASN? 

Answer: Most importantly, AASN is a story. It is a long story that is special because, unlike a novel, it can be told in a very different way and because of the presence of command- (if you’re on a mac) or control- (if PC) -F, you can search through it when you forget. The large spacing between events as well as the many different characters makes things hard to follow, which is AASN’s primary medium-based weakness. Unlike a web-comic, which AASN models in some ways, you have no visuals to connect to which help to recall the information or events, and thus the complexity of picking up a novel (which you would read in large chunks and several sittings) as well as the memorability that goes along with that kind of readings, is lost. Thus far, reports to me have indicated that re-reading it is the best way to combat this, but this is the internet and this novel uses a unique medium. So, this allows me to combat this logistical problem uniquely. Just as tumblr-noveling has its disadvantages, it also has its advantages.  So here’s how I plan to work on “the confusion problem:”

  1. Have a free E-reader release so you can peruse and reference more easily
  2. Update and maintain a reference section which is easy to look through while being spoiler free if your behind (hyperlink in the sidebar)
  3. Include short prior-event summaries in the new sections
  4. Make the characters more contemplative about what’s gone on in they’re past (a technique you’ll be familiar with if you read sequels to books - somewhere first twenty to fifty pages or so always manages to have an overview the events of the last book by using character dialogue).
  5. UPDATE ON A SCHEDULE TO KEEP YOU INTERACTING REGULARLY SO THERE’S LESS OF A GAP IN TIME TO FORGET.
  6. IF YOU HAVE ANY MORE IDEAS TELL ME, BECAUSE I NEED MORE IDEAS. 

Question: I find your world intriguing but the magical system confuses me. What is going on exactly?

Answer: Magic in AASN comes in many different flavors and varieties. The Magical System, for those of you unaware of this lingo, is the basis and rules by which magic operates in the AASN world. Based on my familiarity with fantasy works (don’t even get me started - trust me, it’s extensive) it is unique and nothing really like has been done before. Let me give you a breakdown and side-bar explanation (which I can do more frequently since the story is period released and thus doing so won’t draw you out of the world - although it will undermine my reviewer’s ability to judge whether or not I’ve conveyed something well in my writing, so if you are a reviewer not-privy to advanced knowledge, and you guys know who you are, do not read the below explanation. Honor System.

Explanation: Let’s start with the big picture in fancy philosophy talk: Fate V.S. Free Will. There is no answer nor will there ever be in the world of AASN. However, there are aspect of both affecting the world, in other words Free Will to act within certain Fates, where the participants (those who are a part of the Fates) in turn have Free Will that let’s them choose different outcomes, which may or may not be predetermined. Okay, let’s do the more understandable explanation.

 Yes, I really worked this hard to create something unique.


Question (and I’m copying this one word for word): What is Moriarty Holmes. I can’t tell if this is turning into some BBC fanboy’s slash fic or you’re actually being really brilliant or what. It’s awkward. WTF.

Question (Translated to the best of my ability): Pardon, kind Ecrid, but the presence of Moriarty Holmes in the presence of a King Arthur story confuses me. I cannot tell if ‘twas whimsy that made you bring him into the fold, though based on the text I see that hints and logical promises to that event did exist. Seeing as it was not impulse that drew you to his inclusion, I supposition that perhaps you are a fan of Sherlock on the BBC, and are creating a strange sort of homosexual romantic fiction between Sherlock Holmes and James Moriarty. Whatever the reason, I feel this detracts from your story, and would like further explanation so I can forgive you and appreciate your reasoning and work to the utmost once more. By fornication, I am confounded.

(See what I did there?)   

Answer/Explanation: As you so adroitly stated, yes, Moriarty Holmes was planned from the very beginning. Sadly, up until the point where I actually wrote and posted the work,  I considered not doing it, changing the plot of the story to get rid of his inclusions. However, I decided that upon a deep examination by the reader, such a presence makes sense. Let me give you my writerly reasons:

  1. AASN uses a magic system that links magical energies to the revelations made in books by prophets. The birth of Moriarty Holmes gave me the opportunity to show how important and powerful the connection between using texts as a focusing point for magic in the AASN world are. It also gave me the opportunity to show that the magic of this world is fallible. Up until this point, the only time we see weakness in terms of magic is Merlin’s incompetence during the chase scene where even if he is a great and powerful wizard, he can only do so much at once, i.e. magic rickshaw. His limited knowledge of modern weaponry and habit of being underprepared also contribute to this but overshadow the weakness of magic with their presence; the net effect becomes that magic was not the problem in that scene but the wielder of the magic. While a good scene to introduce human flaw into Merlin’s suspicious character, it was only when he absentmindedly allowed Arthur to pick up the wrong book (a fact very underplayed in the scene to lend more focus on the dangers of magic) and draw a destined soul into Gregory’s body. That scene, irrelevant of the reader’s emotional reaction of introducing a Sherlock/Moriarty character at a time when it’s becoming cliche, serves to show the weakness and dangers of magic, that magic tied to destiny can interact outside those bounds, and show that excalibur has more than a few uses. 
  2. AASN primarily, in its heart, is an English Novel by its nature. True, AASN explores themes like Fate V.S. Free Will, Good V.S. Evil, a young man’s journey of choices between greatness or survival, or just how powerful the changes in extremely evil people can be when approached with life or death situations or opportunities for a kind of redemption. However, and most important of all, it also explores the interaction of fictional history’s impact, in this case quite visibly, on the modern time; how given these fictional events of England’s past and myth and legacy would come to bear in a modern view. Things like ‘where is the chivalry of knighthood?’ and ‘what is the price to incite betrayal?’ and ‘Can friendship so sudden be true and exist and beat all out?’ are toyed with and experimented upon. Sherlock Holmes and Professor James Moriarty have laid more weight and impact upon the modern day than perhaps any other fictional characters in history, and they’re pseudo-inclusion in this story is natural.
  3. Moriarty Holmes also, from a literary standpoint, adds a lot to the narrative. First, the reader is familiar or at least acquainted with the notions of these two characters, which makes the Sherlockian Canon an apt source and superior over other options I might have had, such as Dorian Gray or Oliver Twist or even James Bond. Familiarity is key for enjoyment, after all. The story is hard enough to follower as it is. Next, we have a character about which nothing really is known, outside of the fact that he is a combination of persevering good and insatiable evil, shoved straight into the middle of Arthur’s - our main character whom we care about - enclave. It adds the threat of interminable danger. We don’t know that the tattoos on his arm would prevent his betrayal or selling Arthur out. Perhaps he wants to manipulate and extort the boy, or steal Merlin’s secrets. On the other hand, he may take after his good counterpart, want to do justice, put the world right, help Arthur to defeat the villains who abuse their power and commit terrible crimes. In that sense, he is a ticking time-bomb, waiting to be released. Because of his harsh tones and nature, he may never really be trusted.
  4. Functionality is also important. We have a muscle man/enforcer, Hector, a University Student, Arthur, and a dodgy old wizard, Merlin. This team of rag tags are pitted against an almighty wall of impossibilities trying to kill them with men and women and guns and blades and magic and nearly infinite resources and power to back all that up. There’s being an underdog and being an underdog. To get by this spider-web of danger they need a spider, and who better than the aspect of James Moriarty? To help in the fight against this evil this aspect must have a supreme willpower and motivation, the ability, or at least potential, to be a towering pillar of good. Who better than Sherlock Holmes? 
  5. Why not just have Moriarty or Sherlock? Because that is cliche and there are limits on creative borrowing. It makes sense that there are parallels between known fictional historic figures, so it’s okay not to make a new character. Arthur Pendragon and Merlin are hardly new ideas, and neither is Sherlock Holmes or Moriarty. However, it’s not just that Moriarty Holmes is an aspect of these two fictional behemoths, it’s also that they are put into a older-middle-aged man’s body. Sherlock’s prowess with strength isn’t really there as far as we know, and by amalgamating the sleuth with his arch nemesis we are, in fact, actually creating something new, especially in a different body, but with the benefit of true familiarity that the reader can associate strongly with. 

Okay, that’s all I have time for. 

May 09

Learn to Write Well, Free

Youtube playlist of Brandon Sanderson being awesome.

Apr 14

The Meeting

Arthur, Merlin, Hector…Greg

Camelot

Since four-thirty this morning Arthur had been assaulted by a police officer, kidnapped by a wizard, assaulted again by guns and cars, had a muscle man swear fealty to him, gotten tattoos grafted onto him by ethereal essence, discovered he was a king, though that apparently didn’t mean anything in particular yet, arrived at the seat of his strength, which incidentally was a tenement, fainted, pissed himself, nearly died in a magically propelled rickshaw, and accidentally transferred the idealized soul of a Sherlock Holmes and James Moriarty amalgamation into the brain dead body of comatose sixty-year-old, who also decided it was a good idea to swear fealty to him. Now he was sitting at a circular table, surrounded on all sides by these… nutters… in the middle of a dingy kitchen which had, according to an offhand comment he overheard from Merlin, not been used since nineteen-forty-six. On his left was Hector, to his right, Merlin, and directly in front of him was the strange creature, Moriarty Holmes, or Greg — as he apparently liked to be called — looking conspiratorially in all directions and somehow managing to seem far too stimulated to be conspiring with anything at all. Everyone took their queues from Merlin and stared attentively at Arthur. 

After a few minutes of this, he spoke.

“Hello. What the bleeding fucking fuck is fucking going on?” 

Merlin spoke, gaining the attention of attendees. “You are Arthur Pendragon. Your soul is destined to rule England. Many men and women around the world were likewise fated to be your knights and noblemen. This all follows the legend that was created about you many hundreds of years ago. Are you clear thus far?”

“Yes,” answered Arthur, glowering.

“Your rise to power either implies or necessitated many people die. People that were supposed to help you. Ideally, you would die as well. They’ve been being killed for the last eighty years. They have been hunted down and killed. Old men, babies, children. If it forced the death of the wrong people, then they were killed to prevent the corresponding events that led to their deaths.” The wizard’s eyes grew wet, and he looked at the table, cloaking this truth from the gathering. “They found you, tonight. If they had know who you were, they would have sent an army of men like him,” Merlin said, nodding in Hector’s direction. 

“What’s stopping them from finding the boy now?” interrupted Greg, whose eyes were closed. He had leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers.

“Their methods of acquiring such knowledge are limited. It is not time for you to die, and thus by beginning the first steps to achieving your destiny, those methods will no longer work.” Merlin sighed. “They’ll have to find new ones.”

“Ah,” said Greg. 

“Ah: That’s all you can say?” shouted Hector, slamming his hands on the table. “When I saved you idiots, I thought it was because you were powerful enough to save me from the repercussions.” His face was turning red.

“And yet the thought of killing all three of us right now seems so morally repugnant to you that it is unacceptable,” finished Merlin.

“Yes, but…” Hector was confused. 

“I’d like to see him try to kill me. It would be an interesting experiment in which I could examine the capabilities of this body,” said Greg, which made everyone stare at him very quietly. 

“Alright, ignoring that preposterous dialogue: no, Hector.” Merlin wiped his face and looked up, staring straight into Hector’s eyes. “You can’t because you know what the right thing to do is. Your soul knows what the right thing to do is. You’ll do the right thing,” Merlin said gravely.

Arthur folded his arms across his chest. “Oh, well that’s a fucking relief, at least this guy won’t kill me.”

“Well, that’s one less thing you have to worry about,” said Greg.

“Shut it, Holmes,” replied Arthur. 

“Arthur, you created this man,” rebuked the wizard. “He literally became alive to serve you. And his name is Greg.”

“I do prefer Greg,” Greg agreed. Aside from his lips, he hadn’t moved.

“So, what are we going to do?” Hector asked.

“Well, first, we are the only ones right now that any of us can trust,” Merlin explained. 

“How the hell are we supposed to win this?” The question left Greg and hit the gathering like a wet slap. 

“He’s right,” Arthur said.

Hector looked over at Merlin. “Do you have resources?”

“I have faculties, and that should be enough.”

“Nobody ever built anything on faculties alone, old boy,” said Greg. He crossed his legs and balanced them straight out on the small table.

“Ah, to that extent, no.”

Arthur was starting to freak out again. “You’re a wizard, right? Can’t you just turn some things into gold?” 

“Chaps, we don’t even have a plan. What are we going to do with money,” said Greg. Hector had taken to just craning his neck and looking at whoever happened to be speaking. He felt out of his depth.

“That would be your job, mister tactician was it?” Arthur countered.

“Ah,” which was the best Greg could do for an answer. He’d only been born forty minutes ago, after all. He sorely craved a pipe.

“We begin at the beginning,” said Merlin. As he spoke, he cast his elder gaze around the table, encompassing all of his fellows there. “Arthur has to end up being the King of all England, which means running the show, as it were. The first step, as sir Hector has kindly pointed out, is acquiring resources,” he gesticulated his hands out in a classic don’t ask me I have no idea sort of way, “of which, we have, as was said, this home.” There was silence in the room. “On the bright side, once there are a few more knights, the house will change and take on its true form!” announced the wizard brightly.

Nobody felt consoled. 

Arthur decided to take a lead. “Very well, Merlin. Greg, your job is apparently to be a man with a plan. So plan, Greg.”

“Without a pipe?”

“Without a pipe,” said Arthur.

“Ah.” And Greg thought. All was silent.

After a few minutes, he said, “Merlin, do you know who any of our enemies are?”

“The foes who are trying to kill us?” Merlin felt very tired.

“Sure.”

“Yes, I believe I do.”

“They have money,” one steepled hand freed itself and flitted about, “you know, to hire killers and this and that.”

“I would not disbelieve it, yes.”

“So, ideally, we get some of their resources,” concluded Greg. “It is twofold. We strike out whilst supplying our coffers with the needed pick-me-up.” Arthur had to admit that the logic was very good, but saw a flaw. It was Hector who identified it. 

“And how would you propose doing that.” Greg’s eyes snapped open, clearly focusing on the muscle man. 

“Why, old man. It occurs to me that we have a wizard, a genius, and a gunman. It can’t be that hard. Magic, after all.”

“What about me?” Arthur asked.

“Ah,” said Greg. “You’re pretty useless, sorry to say.” Arthur knew that from the beginning, but resented hearing it being spoken aloud. He wished that he could show them all how not-useless he could be, if they would let him have a chance. He could…He found his conclusions depressing. 

He said, “Then why am I supposed to be king? If I’m useless, why is this happening to me?” His question was met with silence. He closed his eyes tight, trying to hold back the trauma of all that had happened. 

He felt a touch on his shoulder. It was frail, but kind. “This boy has more power than you can imagine. He’s right before the beginning, as we’ve all been. He’s born to greatness, Greg. He is our king. He is the moral compass that guides us, and without his leave we could not act.”

Arthur thought that was cheesy and unhelpful. Hector said, “But in terms of stealing from the people trying to kill us, is that really what we’re going for?” Merlin turned on the man.

“Okay, don’t believe the bleeding great wizard. Let me give you a practical example,” he swung his gaze around to Arthur. “Boy, without looking, how many corners, including the ones on objects, are there in this room?” Arthur didn’t need to look around. 

He went through the room and mentally counted, from the old pans to the door frames. “One-hundred-twelve.”

Greg’s chair tipped over. He fell backwards hitting the hard, stone floor. Hector jumped a little. “Are you alright?” he asked.

“That was correct!” shouted the floored tactician. “That was correct!”

Arthur suddenly became aware of what he had just done.

“I suppose if you think so, it is correct, my friend,” said Merlin. “Now, Arthur, how many pistols does our good, sir Hector carry on his personage?”

Arthur didn’t need to look. “Four.”

Greg and Hector, who had managed to pull himself off the floor, looked at the old wizard, who was smirking. “What good is a king who doesn’t understand his subjects?”

Astonishment crossed Greg’s face. “You mean to say that he is capable of taking onto himself the talents of his knights?”

“In a sense,” Merlin replied. 

“Do I get to say anything aside from numbers, because I’d like to know what the hell you’ve done to me,” Arthur yelled, disoriented and flumuxed. 

“No,” snapped the wizard. “This boy may use your talents, but he lacks your experience with them.” Hector and Greg stared at Arthur.

“You mean he can fire a gun as well as I can?” asked the muscleman.

“Not as well, no. But very, very well, if given the opportunity. This is the king’s right. To command his subjects, he must also understand them.” Arthur thought to demand why the wizard hadn’t mentioned this earlier, but then realized that this was earlier. 

“So as the number of his knights rises, he becomes more capable. Fascinating,” murmured Greg, rearranging his chair. “He’s like an simpleton bestowed with incredible gifts.”

“Listen, you really need to stop insulting me,” interrupted Arthur, angry. 

“I suppose I do, your majesty,” Greg said sarcastically, his eyes closed and his body resettled into his contemplative position from earlier. 

“And don’t call me that, either.”

Chapter Three: Beginnings

Opening

Arthur: Chapter 3

Some people spend their lives twisting things around their fingers, playing with them. Morgose, in her tower, uses her whole arms to manipulate and destroy, manipulate and destroy, and all for the love of her son.

Somewhere in the aether, things, gruesome of calling and power-hungry in nature, use their whole essences to wrap and unwrap the ordinances of destiny. They’re voracious.

Arthur, the young man, the hinge upon which the world opens, sits at his first council of war; with what he must war he is unsure, but certainly something has gone to war with him. Two knights and a wizard, his only allies, tied to his destiny like hooks to a line, all of them plunged into icy waters, unfamiliar and deep.

Hector looks at the young man, and knows, from what the wizard told him, that by his impulse his life is now tied to Arthur’s, his arms burned with a sign of service.

Boris Gant, a man made of fire and cheerful boredom, sits paralyzed by the grip of an old woman, frothing at the mind and willing her to die beneath his stare.

His accomplice, Vivian Bracht, the young murderess from Germany, sits next to him. She’s thin and wiry of frame, the knives in her hands growing warm with her continued contact, fear and confusion held tight to her immobile body.

Uthor Pendragon, CEO of one of the most powerful organizations in the world, continues to wage a systematic war against his fate to die, knowing full well that his chances of survival drop ever more quickly as Arthur draws breath. He’s waiting for his number two to show up, not sure if he’s going to kill him or devise a plan, trying desperately to put a stranglehold on the soapy neck of his rage. 

The Inflicted Man cannot seem to die, or be harmed, for that matter, ensconced and protected within a shield of low probability events. He’s being taken to Morgose, watering her plants and making her plans - why he kills, why he obsesses with the destruction of the human form, his ends and purpose are confusing and terrible to contemplate.

Earnst Rodimer is maybe the most dangerous man in the world. Psychologically shattered, insane, possessed of conflicting souls and destinies, driven into a mad killing spree. He’s coming for Boris and Vivian, and they don’t even know it yet. 

Mrs. Aberdeen Vole runs an orphanage from which thirty-eight children have been adopted by the same, fictional couple, and then never heard from again. Her control of destruction and magic seems like an iceberg in nature, its limits unknown and hiding beneath her wizened skin. For now, she’s not allowing Boris or Vivian to move, trapping them like flies in honey.

Greg, or according to his arm tattoos, Moriarty Holmes, those seals of loyalty gleaming on his wrists, was an accident. When Arthur attempted to draw a destined soul out from a special book, he picked up the wrong book, cracking under the stresses of the moment, cramming an amalgamation of good and evil, forming a mind dripping with dangerous possibility, which Greg has probably already considered, and much more besides.

Then, there’s Merlin, the old man who came upon the unlucky Arthur in the night, only to find he’d taken him away right before assassination brought a conclusion to the plots of many and hopes of few. 

There’s a lot going on, and knives are being sharpened. Minds are planning, and danger is coming from the North in the black night. The round table seats four, and the rickshaw is mostly broken. 

Death is coming. Fate is coming. Destinies are drawing their blades, assembling their guns, gathering to a great game of who drops last?

Apr 10

Chapter Three Preview:

Arthur

Since four-thirty this morning Arthur had been assaulted by a police officer, kidnapped by a wizard, assaulted again by guns and cars, had a muscle man swear fealty to him, gotten tattoos grafted onto him by ethereal essence, discovered he was a king, though that apparently didn’t mean anything in particular yet, arrived at the seat of his strength, which incidentally was a tenement, fainted, pissed himself, nearly died in a magically propelled rickshaw, and accidentally transferred the idealized soul of a Sherlock Holmes and James Moriarty amalgamation into the brain dead body of comatose sixty-year-old, who also decided it was a good idea to swear fealty to him. Now he was sitting at a circular table, surrounded on all sides by these… nutters… in the middle of a dingy kitchen which had, according to an offhand comment he overheard from Merlin, not been used since nineteen-forty-six. On his left was Hector, to his right, Merlin, and directly in front of him was the strange creature, Moriarty Holmes, or Greg — as he apparently liked to be called — looking conspiratorially in all directions and somehow managing to seem far too stimulated to be conspiring with anything at all. Everyone took their queues from Merlin and stared attentively at Arthur. 

After a few minutes of this, he spoke.

“Hello. What the bleeding fucking fuck is fucking going on?”